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[06 Nov 2009|11:02am] |
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If I had to choose just one day to last my whole life through It would be that one day i saw you, i knew you were the one after we spent that night together.. we were so young.in.love.you. & you taught me so much, as we grew older with eachother deeper in love i knew you were the one.... i never felt butterflies like that in my stomache before & I remember exactly the first time i fell in love with you at 15 and that love has never left my heart. now all i can wish and hope for is that day you realize we were meant to be... my life has changed so much without you but my heart never did and never will.
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[11 Oct 2009|07:57pm] |
wow today has been one of the worst days ever..my dog aolani passed away this morning
it was all so sudden and unexpected, i didnt even get to say bye :( breaks my heart.
thinking about it makes me choke up ahhh things couldn't get worse.
plus im reallly reallly sick trying to get through today :(
ugh i need hope
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[19 Jun 2009|04:05pm] |
I am strong, because I am weak. I am beautiful, because I know my flaws. I am a lover, because I am a fighter. I am fearless, because I have been afraid. I am wise, because I have been foolish. And I can laugh, because I've known sadness
im NOT a tease....just a reminder of what you cant have
I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you
bestfriend down the drain
& sad thing is she doesn't even care.
to me, its crazy how some people can do that.
just not give a flying fuck, i literally dont get it.
maybe because i have a really big heart and always care too much.
whatever.. sometimes i feel as if life only gets worse.
im just really emotional trying to keep my head up.
but being alone isn't helpful especially on a friday night.
i just feel so weak, and i am in need of some company.
just all i can do is try & think positively. and fucking take a billion bongtokes. ;]
haha im a little too high ^-^ whatevs. shit will blow over soon i hope
things will get better! i mean fuck its summer and my birthdays soon
now i need to find someone else to bring to san fransisco. it just sucks cause
i feel as if i have no friends...sadly. im always alone, i've become pathetic & depressed.
i use to be so happy, i dont know whats wrong with me. yet i do, and i try so hard to fix it but seriously theres no hope anymore.
bye.
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[06 Jun 2009|10:08pm] |
ugh i am soo annoyed with my bestfriend. she thinks boyfriends and friends should be treated evenly. what a fucking joke. friends should always come before....guys will come and go and friends will be there till the end (if there good friends) which i think i am sucha a good friend, almost to good of a friend. it just bugs the shit out of me how shes been treating me. i almost wanna just say PEACE and become distant, but then again thats not the way to solve things, but then ill tell her how i feel and she wont even respond back. or will say one sentence like she doesn't give a fuck. ugh im sick of caring and being there for her when she can't do the same. i seriously have neever had such a horrible friend in my life. my sister did warn me because they were bestfriend before her and i. she just literally puts guys before anything! oh well karma WILL bite her in the ass one day and shes going to end up with no friends, like how can you be happy when you can't even be happy being alone first? i believe i am a strong ass women because i can live life without a signficant other to make me happy where she can't ever live life alone. she always has to have someone! i dont even rememeber the last time she was alone. how pathetic is that? haha anyways enough of that shit. i just needed to get that out because its not like she listens to me when i tell her how i feel about our friendship. im like on the fucking edge and she doesnt even realize how close she is to pushing me away for good! blaaaah! i need to find a new friend, someone who gives a fucking shit! anyways i just got out of school. i got 1 A and 2 B's :D yay i should of taken more classes but it was only my 2nd semester so i think i did pretty good, atleast im satisfied. now summers begins and im sooo excited.. my birthday is almost here too! im turning 19, nothing special really i wish i was turning 21 but my friend is getting me a fake id with my picture on it, its only 100 bucks so im stoked. but yeaaah so i've been loosing alot of weight from riding my bike all the time sense i lost my car and now my whole family thinks im on fucking drugs! its fucking bullshit. also it makes me sad how im trying so hard to loose weight for summer and then people accusing me for something im not doingggg. like wtf. i need a vacation badly! to get away from everyone! i've been alone for so long now without a boyfriend where i am finally content being alone and FINALLY happy after so long of being depressed and regreting the shit in the past. i am now accepting me for who i am, and all the mistakes i made... i mean shit happens for a reason right? and thats why i am here today as a much stronger person than i was before! ive learned sooo much throughout the years and can finally say i am happy who i turned out to be <3
the only thing that will have my heart forever and always is my baby zoeey
she is my everything. :D and im so glad i found her, shes my other half.
today i took her to the dog park and every fucking dog was humping her and one of the owners of the other dog was asking if she was in heat(meaning starting her period soon) and i was like noo shes just attractive and all the guys want her, even GIRLS too! haha & they laughed because its sooo true!
wow this is long.
byeee<3
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[28 May 2009|12:54am] |
i got my first tattoo the other day! its my leo sign with a daisy on the back of my neck
i like it alot :) it just sucks cause i can never see it due to it being on the back of my neck haha but my next one im already having two people drawl it up. and its going to be a masterpiece!!! :D
ANYWAYS, this week has been a stressful week so many exams ahh but.. two more days of school then the semester is over!!!! math exam tomorrow, then human sexuality and im done!!!
until i go back in fall yeeee.
it just sucks now that its basically summer for me and i still can't find a job.
i really wanted to be busy during summer working and making money! ugh
it just really grinds my fucking gears that no one is hiring :(
nothing i can do but is to keep trying >.<
other than that things been going good i guess.
my birthdays coming up. i wanna rent a hotel in san francisco.
but i dunno yet, i was gonna go skydiving but my sisters doing that for her birthday instead
hah i can't wait its going to be sucha adrendline rush but probably the best experience eva!
my other half
MY BABY AND I
@ THE WEINER DOG RACES<3
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[29 Apr 2009|11:24pm] |
how the fuck am i supose to forget you when you contact me all the time!?
uggh. im so annoyed.
i wish it was easier to forget someone exsisted blaaah.
girls night out tomorrow
going get shitty thats for sure.
no one ever reads this thing but whatever.
<3 nite.
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[06 Apr 2009|10:54pm] |
no one reads this but whatevs.
first of all thing have been shitty
just got out of spring break, it was alright
wished it could of been better.
i hate not having a car, fuckkk.
i hope i get a new one sooon.
my moms drinking again, great.
40 days sober and now back to binge drinking, wtf mang
my sister got an iphone and i didn't, fucking bullshit i'd say. haha.
i feel as if im loosing my "bestfriend" to a boy.
we barely ever hang out anymore and when we do its with all three of us
and feeling like a third wheel is the worst feeling ever and lately
ive been feeling like that alot, which makes me want a boyfriend even more.
i really need to make some friends but the fact i went to like 4 different highschools
and lost touch with like everybody.
i need to loose weight before summer cause i wanna go to the beach!
i've been working out alot but yet see no difference ha.
so much negativity in my life
or maybe its just me.
fuck if i know
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[30 Mar 2009|09:25pm] |
I'm a mess, I guess.
It's what I asked for...
I hope I find a place where I feel like I belong
& I can be myself again.
i just want to drive somewhere really far in the middle of nowhere
and just scream ahhhhhhhh & say "WHY ME"! hahahaha.
so lame, i know.
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| yesterday |
[07 Mar 2009|10:22am] |
my life flashed before my eyes. i was going to school on friday not feeling well because i was getting over the flu and before even going my body told me no but i still went cause i wasn't throwing up or anything and we were learning about babies in human sexuality so i really wanted to go but now i just wish i listened to my body and that little voice in my head that said "stay home". ANYWAYS so meagan and i are turning into our school and this car going 60 hits me full on not even trying to brake! she hit the passenger side and it encaved all the way in. Im so glad meagans okay because we got hit from her side. but it was probably the scariest thing ever. i almost fainted because the impact was so intense. it could of been alot worse though which im thankful that it wasnt and thankgod my car is a fucking tank ah. but no more car, & im extremely sad. i loved that car. blaah the cop was a fucking bitch too! like a straight up dyke pig, my dad got her badge number and everything. seriously lately ive been having the worst luck. and finally the worst luck of all has happened.
my life has turned to shit
:(
hopefully things will look up for me :/
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[25 Jan 2009|09:29pm] |
I can’t stop thinking
That life will never be
The way I want it all to be.
A feeling of happiness
That is never permanently inside me.
After what has been said and done,
It affects my heart and soul so bad
And even after someone has hurt me,
Why do I still think sometimes
Of having one last hug from them?
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[16 Jan 2009|10:54am] |
HELLO 2009 :)
i haven't wrote in here forever!
anyways, christmas was goood... first time being single during christmas time.
It wasn't as horrible as i expected, yes a little lonely but it happens. heh.
Then newyears i expected it to be wayy to amazing, and it ended up turning to shit.
i mean raves now are just so fucking crowded, there not even fun anymore. so i decided next newyears i am going to newyork! Plus i just got back from newyork with my sister 2days ago. I was there for 8days. and i dont even know how to explain how fucking amazing it was! I had so much fun we saw 4 broadway plays [amazzzzing!] and went to musuems and explored around the city/ also went to a comedy show and got fucking trashed! i seriously already can't wait to go back. it was a great way to start off my 2009 :) im really hoping for a better year though. school starts Feb 1st, im gonna be a full time student :) i just now need to find a part time job so i can save up some money! because after going to newyork, all i wanna do is travel now and go to beautiful places and explore and meet new people! i dunno its something that makes me happy. :) and being here in costa mesa, its like all the same shit, people never change,same shit everyday. you just get sick of it after awhile, and since 2008 was the shittest year of my life. i wanna make up for it! i wanna replace all those times i was sad and depressed with happiness! hahah im so gay. lifes finally looking up. im just trying to move on and forget about the past that has haunted my life. No more regrets! i need to live life to the fullest. everything happens for a reason whether i like it or not. in time i will heal.. completely. :) for now i just need to focus on myself.
anyways
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[12 Dec 2008|10:42pm] |
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life's been getting better, slowly. After christmas im going to ny with my sister for 11days and i cannot wait. Its going to be snowing and everything, hopefully it will be a lovely experience :) and then starting the end of january i will be a full time student and hopefully getting my shit together finally. This whole past thing is just killing me emotinally and physically... i need to let go or i will be miserable the rest of my life, no joke. I mean everything has to happen for a reason, i know i've fucked up in the past but im a totally different person now i just don't understand why he cant try to see the new version of me... instead of the old me... blah, life has never been so lonely, but yet maybe i need this time to be lonely and figure out shit, who knows..Anyways i neeed a fucking job.. even though i will be going to school full time, i still want to make money. I just wanna be busy as fuck where i cant think of anything, but school and work. yeah it may be unhealthy but its what i need honestly...i dont even know ahh. i need a miracle!
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[20 Nov 2008|07:57pm] |
My mistake was letting you go. It was believing I needed something more than what I already had. I was trying to find a love that in my mind seemed perfect and real, a love that was unconditional, a love I had all along, a love that my memory won't let go of. I run through thoughts of the many nights when we were without heat and neither of us complained because we kept each other warm....ahh My mistake was thinking something went wrong when really it didn't, life changed - my heart never did. I've denied myself of so many years now. Years that we should have been together. I was the one that set this whole thing in motion and now somehow, someway, I'll have to be the one who puts it all back together. I first fell in love with you at 14 and that love has never left my heart. You are my love, my life, my everything... I just wish you would forgive me. Its hard seeing you date someother girl.it breaks my fucking heart
wow, i dont think i can ever feel whole again.
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[03 Oct 2008|05:58pm] |
i am sooo glad he is out of my life &/ i am finally happpy!
all he did was ruin everything, now its time for me to put back the pieces
and make something out of my life, instead of wasting it away.
wow, i feel so much better. i realized how much i do NOT need him!
feels great, i cant even explain.
plus i like someone ekkk.
hes so cute.
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| worst year yet. |
[10 Sep 2008|09:10pm] |
man i thought life would get better but it just got worst as days went by.
i made the biggest mistake of my life... and lost the only guy i think i'll ever love.
yes, im young but i knew he was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with & now
i lost him to my fucked up mistakes, if i had one wish i would go back and would of never broken up with him, im so fucking stupid ah i dont think i'll ever be able to love myself again for what i did. All i can do now is move on... i mean, he hates me...he has someone else now... and never wants to see me again. wow today was a bad day... i dont know what to do with myself, im just so miserable and have no one... i never knew life could get this bad.
life gets better right? ahhh. i feel so empty inside..
goodbye.
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[29 Jul 2008|01:45pm] |
my life is ruined.
nothing i can do or say to make anything better.
i live in so much fucking regret.
why did i do this to myself!!!!!!! :{
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[02 Jan 2008|06:38pm] |
happy 2008 everybody, my newyear couldn't of been any better! i loved it. :]
things to look forward too
graduating
LEGAL!
skydiving
traveling
school
getting my license
quitting smoking
moving out [maybe]
this is gonna be a good fucking year
 goodtimes :]
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[04 Dec 2007|02:33pm] |
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mood |
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i wish i could explain how i feel inside right now.
but i can't its even to hard for me comprehend or understand. :[
so basically i haven't uploaded in awhile only cause no one ever reads them :X
but i needa get stuff out that im always holding inn. so yeahhh me and ryan who've
been dating for almost 3years broke up about a week ago or so. I broke up with him..
only because i felt like i had no life, and i was always unhappy, and grumpy, i just felt
like i needed out and it was one of the hardest things ive ever done, because im not good at hurting people @ all. im actually very bad at it, where ill feel bad for them then i'll takethem back only because i feel sorry then regret it. :/ but this point in my life i've never felt so alone, i mean being with someone every second for 2years and then not being with anyone is a big difference and definately i need to get use to it, cause of right now i do NOT want to be in a relationship, its to much work and stress and 4jnfejkfn ugh its just stupid. but like ive always wanted to be single well for awhile now, and once im single im still not happy i dont know whats wrong with me, but i have problems thats for sure. & im pretty sure i do not want to be in a relationship i just dont wanna keep him waiting ya know? ugh this all probably made no sense and it probablys sounds like blahabababababab but whatever thats that.
im out:[
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[01 Oct 2007|07:14pm] |
so this weekend was epic, i went to nocturnal wonderland in downtown la! It was a blast i loved the people i was with and i just got good vibes from everyone and everything. I threw up though cause i was sooooo fucked up but afterwards i felt much better :] I love going to raves when you dont go alot @ all, its just something to look forward too and its always fun.
but yeahhh my day off was today, it sucks though cause i have sucha bad fucking sore throat, sucha bust blaaah but i just sat around and slept with zoey all day {my new mini dashuand baby]shes sooo fucking cute. i think she knows shes cute, she stares at herself in the mirror alot hehe. I mean if i were her i would too. Anyways I cant wait once jessica gets off work were going to munch out @ mimi's than going to see across the universe for the second time, this fucking movie makes my heart melt. If you haven't seen it, go see it right now! its amazzzzzzzzzzzzzing! AHH. i love the beatles.
my moms problem hasn't got any better, we might have to move back to my dads cause she can't afford us living with her anymore, which makes me really sad cause she'll only get worse. The past weeks ive seen my moms health detereate My mom is an amazing person, i just dont think its right how depressed and lonely she is, it really tears me up... i just want the best for her, and for her to stop drinking it would mean the whole world to me. blaaah
thats all<3
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[10 Sep 2007|05:22pm] |
blahh, so school started i was bummed summer was over, but this is my last year and im going to try and do my best so i can graduate early.. i just want to go travel. i cant wait to see all the beautiful things out in this world. other than that, i got a PUPPPY! right when i setted my eyes on this dog i fell inlove, shes the most amazing thing ever. Shes a minimini dashuand with 1 blue eye and one brown eye & her name is zoey may :]! she is just so fucking cute i cant wait to see her grow up.
sisters birthday was yesterday, it was fun we got our nails done and went to panera bread than got really high @ adams, shes 20 now damn 1 more year to look forward too basically, than after that birthdays aren't that enjoyable anymore, it just reminds you of your age and how your getting older each year. blahhh.
zoeys teething so shes chewing on everrrryttthing! ahhh
ryans getting me jamba juice right now yum...
WEEDs is on tonight stoked.
thats all for now.
<3
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